Anxiety and it's relatives

Okay so I posted on Facebook earlier that I wanted to talk about anxiety.

There are many reasons why I want to talk about it and here they are:

• It's a common problem that gets swept under the rug
• When gone untreated, or rather, unnoticed it can have serious harmful consequences
• I myself have gone through anxiety attacks 

Those are just a few, but enough that I wanted to talk about it, and reach out to others that may be going through the same thing.

There are many different types of Anxiety disorders and just because you're anxious doesn't mean you necessarily have a disorder, and just because you're not anxious all the time doesn't mean you don't. There are some you may know of, OCD, PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc. Typically, to be considered as possibly having an actual disorder, you're going to have physical symptoms because of your anxiety. But, without knowing how to cope with anxiety you could develop a disorder. These are medical things I've looked up about anxiety but I want to talk more about the practical, applicable affects of anxiety and possible ways to combat them.

When I was a young girl, I developed a bout of depression and eventually general anxiety. Mind you, I'm self-diagnosed, I looked up symptoms and causes and put the pieces together and came to the conclusion that I had a problem. Now at the time, when it first developed, I had no idea what was going on. I just knew that suddenly my emotions changed and my energy was gone. I think it could have to do with hormone imbalances, which I've just learned can be a cause and I am now looking into maybe treatments or something to change that. But I was just a teenager when these changes started, probably came with puberty which is a big testament to the hormone theory. And instead of realizing that something may really be wrong, I practically word-vomited all over my xanga thinking everyone wanted to hear about my problems. Yes, I'm embarrassed now and laugh at how silly I was, but at the time it was a serious issue. And even looking at it now I can see patterns of mild depression.

I've struggled with the whole idea of depression because, as a Christian, I have never come to a solid conclusion on whether or not depression is something diagnosable and treatable through medication, or whether it's unsettled sin issues and not trusting the Lord well enough. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that while a lot of depression can come from unrepentant sin, or some issue with God, there are certain biological things that can happen to give you a disposition for depression.

After having people tell me that I needed to resolve my sins with God and depression would go away, and then feeling like I failed after it would come back again, I started to doubt my sincerity in repentance which drove me deeper into depression. It was a tangled web.

Now, to let you know, I still have depressive bouts, and it's worse when I do have unresolved sin issues, but it's more than that. It's a physical change as well as emotional. Every once in a while my whole countenance changes and it's something that I've learned to ride out and make the best of. Instead of wallowing in pity I try and work around it.

The Lord has taught me that, in all things, choose joy. That doesn't mean I'm happy-go-lucky all the time, but I'm joyful. I'm joyful because I have a hope greater than what bogs my flesh-ridden body, and one day I'll be free of it all.

So to get to the main point: Anxiety.
A few years ago, I developed an anxiety disorder because of a few dumb decisions I made and instead of facing the problem head on I hid it, and lived with the guilt, which eventually developed the disorder.

I'll be honest with you and let you know what happened. I entered the early college program before I was ready. I made mistakes, didn't attend class and ended up failing out of a class. Now rules for the early college program is that if you get kicked out of a class, you're out of the program. I was naive and everything that happened tumbled down and ruined my GPA and I'm still paying consequences. I knew I was failing out of the class, but for the longest time I didn't tell anyone. I would literally lay in my bed at night, heart pounding so fast because I knew one day everyone would find out and I would have to face up to the fact that I had failed, and not failed because I wasn't good enough, but failed because I didn't try. And that was worse.

Finally, judgement day came and my mother was livid, and rightfully so. I just remember her telling me I was throwing everything down the drain. And I remember being collapsed on the bathroom floor, sobbing my eyes out, unable to breathe and praying out loud for the Lord to take me up into His arms so I wouldn't have to face my own self. It was the cowards way out, but I truly wanted out, I didn't want to deal with my own shortcomings. I sat on the bathroom floor as my mother calmed down and told me everything was going to be okay, but I was going to have to face the music, which I didn't want to do.

But, everything did turn out alright, and I'm still growing and learning, but those past events didn't go away without leaving scars.

I have trouble sleeping now. I lay awake at night and my heart speeds just as it did, and I think and think and think again about the events of the day and try to remember if I did everything.

When Finals week comes up (much like it is now), I get sick. And not sick as in cold or flu symptoms, but more like I can't eat, I am frequently nauseous, and I may burst into tears randomly just because my body is so wracked with fear, I don't want to move. It comes on so suddenly that if I'm not in a place where I can be calm my whole countenance will change.

It happened today. I woke up so anxious I couldn't move.

WHAT?! Is this happening?! {April Snapshots}

I am a horrible blogger and I am sorry to you who actually reads my blog.
Not only have I not written in so long but I also have been only posting my April Snapshots.... and I want to write some quality stuff that you guys may be interested in. But I have no time for life... sooooo it's hard.

But! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! Finals week is in a few weeks and I will have time to think and actually tackle the mountain of crafts I have waiting for me to indulge. Sooo Crafty blog posts soon? Hopefully! Yay! I have some things already lined up that I want to do so woohoo!

So.... here is what my life has looked like for the past week and few days. And briefly explained because I have a lot of days to talk about!

I think I left off with last friday!
Which was Good Friday!

April 6th was a fun, out of the ordinary day! I was given the day off, which was a blessing and was able to go spend time at the school I observe. I was able to help with the Easter egg hunt and the celebrations for the day. I loved it. I love those kids. And I got some Easter goodies, too. :)

It also was the one year "Birthday" For my sweet sweet friend Liquey. "Birthday" meaning she's been a Christian for one year! So we went out for sushi to celebrate! Haha my second night in a row for half off sushi. They have.... interesting decorations at that place haha

April 7th

Saturday we had a car wash to raise money for a well in Nigeria. After some confusions and frustrations (The fact that the place we did it at scheduled two car washes at the same time and we were short on people) we got together and did a good job and raised a good amount of money for the cause! I was so tired and afterwards I just wanted to collapse in a little ball and cry myself to sleep, but Morgan was in town so I went to see her and Mocha. He's one of the sweetest and constant men in my life.
I mean look at that face! How could you not instantly fall in love with him? He made me feel a little better and I hung out with him and Morgan out on the porch. My mind is kind of blank about the rest of the day, (since it's been so long, ahem).

April 8th!

Easter Sunday! It was a great day :). Went to church to celebrate the Risen King and that afternoon headed over to my cousins' parents house for Easter lunch. It's so great to be with my family. And it was such a relaxing afternoon that made me grateful for the relationships I have with my cousins. We had no Easter egg hunt :( But oh well!! The four of us, Cousins, Danno and myself decided to go watch the sunset that evening and squished into Danno's truck and headed to the beach. I'm so excited for the wedding in August and I love how my family is coming together. It makes me excited for the future and so grateful that my family is made up of my best friends. 

April 9th!

Boooo Mondays. Mondays are hard days. I typically have such relaxing and great weekends that Mondays make me want to cry in the morning. And this weekend was particularly great so it was haaarddd!

But I find small ways to keep my sanity and recently I've been getting back into video games, particularly Kingdom Hearts, and I've been playing through the series when I have some time to play. I've forgotten how I love video games and how I love Kingdom Hearts, and it's nice to have a pastime, though I have to be careful not to commit too much time.

April 10th!

Tuesday, not as bad as Mondays, but not as great as Wednesdays. They're okay, I work in the afternoons and my nights are free, but it's still the beginning of the week and I usually feel like I'm still trying to wake up!
But this Tuesday evening I went out to celebrate with a friend who passed her nursing exams! I went to a fairly new restaurant that I hadn't been to and got a yummy dessert.
They call it a pizookie, and it's like the dessert I got while at Lou's in Chicago. Basically it's cookie dough baked in a small, pizza-like pan, not totally cooked so it's kind of doughie, and while it's still hot they dump some ice cream on it and serve it to you. It was good, not as good as Lou's, but good :). And I was happy to celebrate with my friend as she has this burden lifted off of her shoulder. She's a hard worker and deserves it. I can't wait until I'm finally done with my schooling, which seems like it may never happen!




April 11th!

Along with playing Kingdom Hearts again I've been listening to music that I used to listen to a long time ago. Just something about the music in that game. I love it! Pandora helps a lot because some of the music I forgot about floats on by again and I'm finding myself thinking "Oh yeah, I forgot about this song, I used to love this song!"

My music tastes varies from time to time and it's fun to revisit old tastes soemtimes. Some old music taste shouldn't be revisted thought. Haha yikes! 

April 12th!

Was Thursday. I remember it being a hectic day. I did a group report on Scientology which was fun because scientology is a little nutso! The day was somewhat uneventful except I've been listening to some new music and it's really good! I love Noisetrade.com so much! It's legitimate free music and it's good music too! My current favorite it The Vespers. They're a folky sounding band and they're songs seem to be Christian based, I haven't researched them too much but I know they sing about Jesus and that's a-okay with me!













April 13th!

Fridayyyy! The day I workkkk all day. But that's okay because it signifies that it is once again the weekend and that evening I usually go out with my parents and they pay for my dinner (as a college student, this is always a plus! If your parents want to pay for you take advantage!). It won't last forever! Haha 

Well when we went out to dinner we ended up seeing some of the Kowalski clan which was a surprise! Steve had just come down from Alaska where he's been for like the past half years or something like that so it was good to see him! I've known this family for what feel like forever! We used to go to church and co-ops and stuff together. Being two homeschooling families we saw each other often. Now we hardly ever see them, and it's nice to catch up. Steve has become a mountain man with all his facial hair, haha. But it was great to hear about what he's doing up there and how differently life is. It get's SO cold! Ah!

April 14th!

Beautiful Saturday with nothing to do! I love days when I have nothing to do because it's a time to breathe. Now, understand I love being busy and having things to do, but, that just means that I enjoy the do-nothing days all the more, I see them as precious. So this day I decided I wanted to spend some sweet time with my cousin and we headed for the beach.

 Little did we know it was Earth weekend and EVERYONE was at the beach! Haha. See that picture?! That parking lot is NEVER full. That's all the way at the end of the island, but still, it was packed! Blahhh!

We found a remote spot, though, and enjoyed the sunshine and each other's company. We usually have great conversations because even though we're different we are understanding of each other and challenge each other to think differently sometimes. I'm burnt as a crisp now, and my skin is asking "Why did you not put on sunscreen?!" But the time was beneficial to me and it was a relaxing afternoon. 

April 15th!

Sunday, one of my most peaceful days. Church was great and the message was abotu how for Paul, Christ and His Cross was his obsession and what he boasted in. Such a good message and such a reminder to put your priorities in line. Then Crossroads was great, we're still going over Colossians and it's been a really great study to be apart of.

After church I went to Kasey's bridal shower. Kasey is someone I've known since we were five, we grew up on the same street. While it was great to be there for her, I couldn't help but thinking how weird it was. See those ladies up there (Kasey in the middle), I've known each of them since we were kids. The girl on the left, I met through Kasey, they went to elementary school together, and the girl on the right I met through Kasey because she lived in the same neighborhood, around the corner from our street. And now we're all adults and growing up and having kids and getting married and it all just seems so surreal to me. She gets married May 19th and I can't wait to be there to celebrate with her!

April 16th!

Yayyy! That was yesterday! And a Monday, ughhh. But it was okay. I went to classes, did what needed to be done and went on a Brother-Sister date with Drew. It was kind of a slow day and I took a nap but it's just one day closer to being done with this semester. It was nice to have some one-on-one time with Drew, we're both super busy and don't have a lot of time to catch up, but it's needed because he's super important to me and I want us to make time to stay connected. I'm so thankful for the brother God has made him to me and I don't know how I would have handled some situations in my life if he hadn't have been there.

It's fun to look back on our lives and to talk about old times and people we used to know and to wonder where they are now. It's kind of cool to have someone who went through some of the same things Since we both graduated from the same class, had the same friends and saw the same things, it's cool to see how we've both grown. I think maybe that's a small reason why I trust him over some other people, because he knows who I am and I know who he is. We've kind of gotten over that stupid "I'm not going to be myself because you may not like who I really am" phase. And we can call each other out on our crap. He's been encouraging me to stand up for myself more, and I appreciate him for that. We also call each other out for not always showing up for first service at church. Because, Lord knows, we both need more discipline with that, haha.


So that was my past week and a few days! WHEW, that was a lot to remember and talk about. Today isn't over so I'm not going to post about it yet, we'll see how it goes ;)

So, reader, do you ever find yourself so overwhelmed with life, you just want to sleep all the time?

Why not learn to enjoy craziness?

Promise to write soon.

Love Always,
Christina

Josh Garrels and late night sushi {April snapshots}

April 5th, was a day that started out great, turned into something frustrating, but picked itself back up again towards the end.

School was school, but a little more frustrating than usual. I'm just looking forward to the end of this semester. I'll be in my major program and two years away from having a career that I want.

I listened to Josh Garrels most of the day, though, so it was all okay. Seriously some good stuff. His album Love & War & The Sea in Between is free on Noisetrade.com so go get it! You won't regret it trust me. 

Anyway after that I headed over to my friend's house to make dinner. We made fiesta chicken, even with all the mishaps we had, it turned out super yummy. Then some of the ladies from a Bible study I've been in came over and we all had dinner and planned to start studying Desiring God in a couple weeks. I'm super excited, it's a really good book!

I had a youth staff meeting after that and it was a really good meeting and we talked about summer camp and plans for the next few months. I'm so excited for summer camp, I LOVE summer camp! It's gonna be so great! And it was good to come together as a staff and just talk about things and support each other.

At this point I started listening to a little Woe is Me, they have some good stuff on the completely opposite spectrum of music compared to Josh Garrels though. So be forewarned, I have a wide range of interests when it comes to music, so just because you like some of my taste, doesn't mean you're going to like all of it.

Later that night I met up with some of my fam (Shann and Danno) and got half price sushi! So good! I haven't had sushi in a long time and I forgot how much I loved it. And it was half price! Such a good deal!

 So overall, the Lord gave me reasons to smile, even if it was a stressful day.

What is some music you're listening to, reader?

Love Always,
Christina

Good hair, ducks and books {April Snapshots}

April 4th!
Today has been a good day.

See, some people don't understand what I mean when I say I love spending my day with kids. Like seriously.

I think kids are the coolest.

Anybody who thinks the word "Pootie pa-tootie" is hilarious and laughs as if its the first time they've heard it every time it's said is cool in my book.

And whoever looks at me and says "You have a zipper on your shirt...... APRIL FOOLS." Is cool. It's so funny because he turns to his friend and says "I told her she had a zipper, I April Foolsed her so bad. I got her." I wasn't even mad.

Later that day, same kid who April Foolsed me was telling me about some books in the library. When he told me that his friend was still looking for books and I was about to respond with "Hmmm, well we gotta get going soon..." He screamed "JINX" And congratulated himself for getting me good, I took it because he was just too awesome to say no to.

Oh, I did observation hours at the elementary school today.
I have to do some for my class, but I love it anyway and I'll probably keep doing it afterwards too. I'm in a first grade classroom. I seriously wish I could show you pictures of these guys because they're some of my favorite people to be with. From the hug hello to the hug goodbye I love every minute with them and can't wait until I'm a teacher and can do this everyday! How cool! But I want to protect them and just don't feel comfortable posting pictures of them. So they'll remain faceless. They're all adorable though, just so you know.

So along with the observation I try and help the teacher any way I can and any way she wants me to. So today she had a list of things and this included putting together ducks they had colored before. This entailed me gluing pipe cleaners to the ducks to make little umbrellas, the umbrella part made of wall paper cuttings. You can see a picture of one of them, top right. I get to do crafts for a job! What!

We ended the day with a trip to the library for them to check out new books and hear a story from Mrs. T. It was so much fun and I opted to stay there with them.

I've decided another thing I want to do in the future is own a children's books store. There's a long lilst of big things I want to do in the future. Maybe one day I'll list them and post them on here. Sound good?

So after a fun afternoon I went to my youth group and spent time with some more of my favorite people.

Seriously, the Lord has blessed me with being able to live and work with things and people that I just enjoy. I love people, I love kids. I love children. I can't explain it, I just l.o.v.e. kids.

He is so good to me.

What are some things you love, reader?

Love Always,
Christina

Better late than never! {April snapshots}

I had told myself:
Christina, you're going to take a picture a day for the month of April and you're going to post them.

Then today I said to myself:
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

But then I chilled out. Forgave myself and decided to post the past few days pictures, because luckily, I've (almost) taken a picture everyday so far.

Unfortunately I missed yesterday so you'll be getting a picture from March 30th instead! Woo!

March 30th, I don't remember well. I think I remember having the day off, because it was Saturday and I was supposed to get together with Shannon but she wasn't feeling well so the day was mine! I didn't do anything...
Well I did clean my room (sort of) and decided I needed to organize my books and look the truth in the face as to exactly how many books I owned and how many of those books were actually read.
It was daunting to look at the piles, the left is the books I have read and the right is the books I haven't.
Final Count: 192
Books read: 94
Books not read: 98

WHAT?! How does someone get to these numbers? I made myself promise myself: "Christina, you will not be getting anymore books until you have read the ones you have! You have books to read, you don't need anymore right now."

So of course I didn't grab four more books out of SPC's free book bin and then curse myself while putting them in my car realizing that within a couple of days I had broken a promise to myself. Of course I didn't.

I have some really good books too. Maybe one day I'll take to the task of cataloging them all.

And of course shortly after all of this I found more piles under my couch and in my closet. I was too overwhelmed to even thinking about counting them, maybe some other day I will. In the words of one of my favorite heroine "I can't think of that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy! I'll think about that tomorrow." Points to anyone who knows that reference and knows that is from my favorite movie. Which, just so happens to also be a book in my haven't read pile. It's such a big book.... I'm kind of scared when I look at it.

April 1st was a happy day. I went to church, sang and prayed and listened to the Word and my Spirit was refreshed. Then I got a chance to hang out with Shannon! I always love hanging out with her. I headed over to her house because she still wasn't feeling 100 and when she opened the door she was holding a bouquet of flowers and a poster that said "Will you be my bridesmaid?" I couldn't help but beam and nod frantically. "Yes yes! Of courssseee!" I think that's what I said. She warned that I better not cry and I made a flimsy promise not to and then she said "I have chocolate in the freezer" and I said "Yay".

We get each other. 

We sat and talked and caught up on life and laughed. Danno showed up a little later and I discovered that one of my favorite moments of life is when I'm sitting with them watching a movie or funny youtube videos. I'm super happy Danny will be apart of my family soon, (like he wasn't already, psh), because 1.) I trust my cousins heart with him. 2.) I just like him being around. The flowers are in my room and my room smells so great and I smile before falling asleep every night because I have this thought "Oh, it smells so lovely in here, it must be a passing scent that'll go away" But then I realize it's coming from the bouquet on the desk next to me an that it will be a comforting fragrance through the night. And it's lovely.

Missed the 2nd, oops!

April 3rd,Today I wasn't feeling well. It was a slow day and a work day so I was in need of a good coffee and study time by the end of it. It was about this time that I got a text from Liquey asking if I wanted a study sesh at sbucks. I literally was saying "Yes, yes, yes!" in my car and asking God how she knew and thanking Him for putting that thought in her head. I went home, had a quick dinner and headed over. We started out not so much studying and then promised each other to buckle down. In between groans of "I hatttteee biology. Half of this stuff I don't even believe in." and "But what does this even meaaaannn?!?!", Most of the groaning coming from yours truly, ahem ahem, we shared beneficial and edifying conversation about the Lord and His Truth. And how He is Truth. And I'm watching her right now type away like the little Biblical scholar she is as she writes a paper for her philosophy class. To see her light up at the Truth of God and how she could write a paper about Him is such a blessing for the Lord to have allowed me to be apart of and I am thankful to be here right now. I actually studied, too. I'm amazed with myself.

Oh and she got special treatment just because she's here ALL THE TIME. and got a special chocolate thing with whipped cream all over it.
But yeah, she's cool with me, so I hope she's cool with you!

So those are the beginning days of April. How lovely and how promising.

Jesus you are so good.

What does your life look like, reader?

Love Always,
Christina

The beauty in Seasons

How apropos that the Lord would bring this to my mind just as the world is transitioning from a (not so) cold winter into a beautiful spring.

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about the beauty of Seasons.

I'm not just talking about the seasons of Spring to Summer, Summer to Fall, Fall to Winter and back again, but the seasons of life.  


It started a little while ago when a big lesson I was learning was "Some friends are for forever, while some are just for seasons."

I didn't always understand what that meant, but the Lord brought many people into my life that said the same thing. I kept thinking, but how can you really be friends if they eventually left? Going to my younger ages, friends meant friends for life. I'll go to your wedding, and you're going to mine. We'll sit in rocking chairs and wheelchairs when we're old enough but we will always be the same, we will always be close. Of course is was naivety that blinded me as a child, and then eventually stubborn pride that I wouldn't admit that the friends you have as a young kid, probably aren't going to be there forever. Even as friendships faded away I always thought "Well they weren't real friends anyway." Or I kept up a once in a while "How are you?" conversation and I told myself that was enough.

But then a friendship that I thought was a great one ended abruptly and it made me start to really think about the "Friends for a season" idea. Even though it was hard and still sometimes I don't understand what happens, there was a friendship. Well, at least I think so. I try not to think too hard about it because when I do ugly feelings and resentment bubbles up and that's something I have to fight every day. Like my good friend K-Grizzle has reminded me, "Forgiveness is an everyday decision. You're not going to wake up one day and not think about forgiving that person. It's not a one time magical decision that makes life easier. It's an everyday conscious decision of 'I'm going to forgive them today, just as God has forgiven me.'" And ooohhhh boy, is it an everyday thing. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you're all the sudden magically going to be like "I feel great about what happened", but it does mean that you no longer hold that person responsible for whatever they've done. To them you will treat them with love and respect and hold no grudge. And that it what I'm trying to do. Forgiveness reveals a lot about yourself, and I think the Lord makes forgiveness hard on purpose. To show us just how loving He is to have forgiven us for all we've done. We do things against him on a daily basis! Forgiving.....daily.

Anyway long story to come to this conclusion:
Just because we're not friends now, does that mean we weren't ever friends?
No!

Friendship, whether it lasts forever or not, is something real. It's a give and take of support and compassion and enjoying one another's company, through good and bad times. Your lives may end up heading in different directions and eventually pulling you apart, but does that mean your friendship isn't worth anything just because it's not what it used to be? I'm coming to the conclusion of no! That's not what it means at all!

So with the ending and coming of friendships I've begun to enjoy my Seasons for what they are. Times of growth, or times of weakness, the Lord has something to teach in all. To be honest, I have just been coming out of a very dark season, a season of questioning all of my beliefs and thoughts and friendships, but through it all the Lord has been my one and only Rock. I have searched far and wide to find answers but He always brought me back to Himself until I finally realized that He is my only resting place and in Him is where I find the answers I seek. Looking the people He is bringing into my life right now is so exciting. I am meeting people so filled with His love and it is so encouraging and refreshing that I thank Him for what He has done. Times were hard but it has brought me to a time where I realize what I should look for in life, and it is always Him. He's given me a heart to actually get to know people. Before it used to be a selfish desire to have people know me and to support me, but He is growing a deep desire to get to know others, to be there for them.

Looking back on old relationships, I know I have something in each of them that I cherish, whether the ended badly or not.

Also, I am so grateful for the forever friends He has given me. They have always been there for me and I hope they can say the same about myself. I couldn't have made it through half of what happened without them. And I'm constantly reminded of the Lord's love for me through their love.

So this all being said. Look forward to your seasons. Learn that friendships will come and go, but God is always there through it. And learn that, even though change may be scary, God has a lesson in all of it.

I'm grateful for you.

Love Always,
Christina