Anxiety and it's relatives

Okay so I posted on Facebook earlier that I wanted to talk about anxiety.

There are many reasons why I want to talk about it and here they are:

• It's a common problem that gets swept under the rug
• When gone untreated, or rather, unnoticed it can have serious harmful consequences
• I myself have gone through anxiety attacks 

Those are just a few, but enough that I wanted to talk about it, and reach out to others that may be going through the same thing.

There are many different types of Anxiety disorders and just because you're anxious doesn't mean you necessarily have a disorder, and just because you're not anxious all the time doesn't mean you don't. There are some you may know of, OCD, PTSD, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc. Typically, to be considered as possibly having an actual disorder, you're going to have physical symptoms because of your anxiety. But, without knowing how to cope with anxiety you could develop a disorder. These are medical things I've looked up about anxiety but I want to talk more about the practical, applicable affects of anxiety and possible ways to combat them.

When I was a young girl, I developed a bout of depression and eventually general anxiety. Mind you, I'm self-diagnosed, I looked up symptoms and causes and put the pieces together and came to the conclusion that I had a problem. Now at the time, when it first developed, I had no idea what was going on. I just knew that suddenly my emotions changed and my energy was gone. I think it could have to do with hormone imbalances, which I've just learned can be a cause and I am now looking into maybe treatments or something to change that. But I was just a teenager when these changes started, probably came with puberty which is a big testament to the hormone theory. And instead of realizing that something may really be wrong, I practically word-vomited all over my xanga thinking everyone wanted to hear about my problems. Yes, I'm embarrassed now and laugh at how silly I was, but at the time it was a serious issue. And even looking at it now I can see patterns of mild depression.

I've struggled with the whole idea of depression because, as a Christian, I have never come to a solid conclusion on whether or not depression is something diagnosable and treatable through medication, or whether it's unsettled sin issues and not trusting the Lord well enough. I think I'm coming to the conclusion that while a lot of depression can come from unrepentant sin, or some issue with God, there are certain biological things that can happen to give you a disposition for depression.

After having people tell me that I needed to resolve my sins with God and depression would go away, and then feeling like I failed after it would come back again, I started to doubt my sincerity in repentance which drove me deeper into depression. It was a tangled web.

Now, to let you know, I still have depressive bouts, and it's worse when I do have unresolved sin issues, but it's more than that. It's a physical change as well as emotional. Every once in a while my whole countenance changes and it's something that I've learned to ride out and make the best of. Instead of wallowing in pity I try and work around it.

The Lord has taught me that, in all things, choose joy. That doesn't mean I'm happy-go-lucky all the time, but I'm joyful. I'm joyful because I have a hope greater than what bogs my flesh-ridden body, and one day I'll be free of it all.

So to get to the main point: Anxiety.
A few years ago, I developed an anxiety disorder because of a few dumb decisions I made and instead of facing the problem head on I hid it, and lived with the guilt, which eventually developed the disorder.

I'll be honest with you and let you know what happened. I entered the early college program before I was ready. I made mistakes, didn't attend class and ended up failing out of a class. Now rules for the early college program is that if you get kicked out of a class, you're out of the program. I was naive and everything that happened tumbled down and ruined my GPA and I'm still paying consequences. I knew I was failing out of the class, but for the longest time I didn't tell anyone. I would literally lay in my bed at night, heart pounding so fast because I knew one day everyone would find out and I would have to face up to the fact that I had failed, and not failed because I wasn't good enough, but failed because I didn't try. And that was worse.

Finally, judgement day came and my mother was livid, and rightfully so. I just remember her telling me I was throwing everything down the drain. And I remember being collapsed on the bathroom floor, sobbing my eyes out, unable to breathe and praying out loud for the Lord to take me up into His arms so I wouldn't have to face my own self. It was the cowards way out, but I truly wanted out, I didn't want to deal with my own shortcomings. I sat on the bathroom floor as my mother calmed down and told me everything was going to be okay, but I was going to have to face the music, which I didn't want to do.

But, everything did turn out alright, and I'm still growing and learning, but those past events didn't go away without leaving scars.

I have trouble sleeping now. I lay awake at night and my heart speeds just as it did, and I think and think and think again about the events of the day and try to remember if I did everything.

When Finals week comes up (much like it is now), I get sick. And not sick as in cold or flu symptoms, but more like I can't eat, I am frequently nauseous, and I may burst into tears randomly just because my body is so wracked with fear, I don't want to move. It comes on so suddenly that if I'm not in a place where I can be calm my whole countenance will change.

It happened today. I woke up so anxious I couldn't move.





So, what do I do?

First of all, without the Lord I wouldn't be able to get through any of it. Also, I'm not perfect at it either, I have good and bad days and I'm learning by trail and error what works for me and what doesn't.

So, when these attacks happen I take a few steps to make things easier for myself.

I don't play any negatively or self-centered music. Let's face it, a lot, if not all of secular music is self-centered, and while I don't listen to a whole lot of depressing music (I learned a long time ago that helps NOTHING), there are just some things I can't listen to. So typically it's Hillsong, Ascend the Hill, and whatever good Christian, Worship that helps me focus on the goodness of God.

I keep uplifting Scripture around me, to remind me that the Lord can lift any fog. I'm not always perfect at being immersed in Scripture, but I know that things go a lot smoother when I do immerse myself. The Lord knows my weakness and injuries, look into the Scriptures, the Lord wants to heal your heart.

I have to actively choose happy thoughts. Typically when these attacks happen I try to shut all thought off, but this has proven to be harmful because I become an unproductive blob, which leads into depression because I'm not doing anything! I literally had to talk to myself today "Christina, get up and get dressed. You have to go to work. You can't lay here all day." If I didn't force myself I would have. I would have called off work and done nothing. But that doesn't help! It hurts!

Basically I've learned some of the things that help me. And I know it's better if I help myself, rather than let it take over. I'm still learning how to fight it, but I'm beginning to see that I CAN fight it. It can be fought, and it can be beaten.


So, dear reader, have you ever dealt with anxiety, depression or something of the like? And if you have, are you dealing with it? And how?

Find joy in the Lord.

Love Always,
Christina